Testimony of Kari Berglund

In 1991 when I accepted God’s grace for my salvation I failed to do one thing, accept His grace for my LIFE. I grew up feeling like I couldn’t please anyone. I brought this with me into my Christian walk and became very legalistic about how I was to ACT in my new life. Every time I messed up I would chide myself and ask for forgiveness from God and then commit to live better, to do better. I would do all I could to study my Bible and pray every day and to do all the other things that you are suppose to DO. (Did you notice how many times I said DO?) Of course I couldn’t keep it up, so the cycle happened over and over.

I lived like that up until two years ago when that life made me so miserable I couldn’t and didn’t want to continue. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was very angry, very depressed and felt like a complete failure. I wondered where the “joy of the Lord” was. I remember at one of my lowest points, after completely losing it with my family, I was driving past a church with a sign that read, “God loves you”. I felt so bad that I didn’t even want Him to.

Fearfully I began counseling (on September 11, 2001 of all days) and God changed my life. I discovered that even though I knew lots of what the Bible said about God and my relationship with Him I was functioning as though I didn’t, I was following a false god. I discovered that I had based my belief structures on what other’s thought of me, what I thought of myself and Satan’s accusations rather than on my relationship with God and my identity in Christ. I also discovered that the life talked about in 1 John 5:12 (Whoever has the Son has life) isn’t only eternal life, but life now as well. Colossians 1:22 in the Amplified Bible says: "Yet now has [Christ, the Messiah] reconciled [you to God] in the body of His flesh through death, in order to present you holy and faultless and irreproachable in [the Father's] presence." This verse became a reality to me and I accepted my identity in Christ and surrendered all aspects of my life to Him. At the moment I finished my prayer of surrender to God, He took away ALL the pain from all those years of feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I now cling to my identity in Christ and try to abide in Him rather than trying to DO things for Him. I fall back in to my old ways sometimes and I need to re-surrender things to Him, but this is sure a much better way to LIVE.

On the road of life there are many obstacles, bumps and dips of difficulties, curves of change and tunnels of trials. Some of my tunnels have been short and I have been able to see and focus on the light of hope at the end and just keep walking through, not letting the darkness around me affect me. Then I encountered the long tunnel of depression that wound around, twisting and turning, seeming to never end. I entered it like I had previous tunnels, expectantly looking for the light on the other end, knowing that it will be there. But as I walked farther in and the light from behind disappeared, the darkness around me started to close in and fears and doubts began to invade. “Where is that light?” I continued on slowly, trying to feel my way through, but I stumbled over and over again. Eventually, the darkness seeped into my soul, I stopped moving forward and I chained myself to the wall with despair.

The end of the tunnel was still there. It hadn’t moved. It hadn’t changed. I had forgotten to look to it, to focus on it and to let its light guide me. I’d stared at the wall of my pain and my present circumstances too long. It doesn’t have to be this way. Christ, the Hope of Glory, of victory, has always been and always will be the Light at the end of the tunnel. He placed in my hands the key to free me from my chains, trust in Him. My hand didn’t move though.

As my fears and doubts battled with the glimmer of hope shining on the key, I forced my head to turn and look down the tunnel. “That glimmer had to come from somewhere.”

“Okay, Lord,” my dry and parched mouth began, “I am going to trust you.” My hand was suddenly full of life to move, the key turned the lock and the chains fell free. “Now what, Lord?”

“Stand and walk, follow my Light,” I heard Him say. My stiff and weary body slowly rose and, one step at a time, I began down the tunnel again. “I commit my way to you Lord, I trust in you, and you will act.” (From Ps 37:5) The darkness was still overwhelming at first, my feet were unsure, but there was hope. The glimmer on the key did shine from somewhere. “I surrender my emotions to you, Lord. My hurts from the past, the pain inflicted by others and by myself. My fear of failure, of making more mistakes I give to you. The anger and frustration that follows when I don’t please myself, someone else or even you is yours also.”

I took a few more steps, and saw a little more light. “Lord, I surrender the present location of my home to you as well as my future plans and dreams. I surrender my time and circumstances and my right to see results to you.” Walking was a little easier now, my muscles were stretched and working. “I surrender my right to be accepted, to have friends.”

There was some light making shadows on the walls. “Lord, I surrender my family to you. My husband, my marriage, my children, my parenting are all yours.” The light was there. I could see it for sure now. My step quickened as I made out the arched exit of the tunnel. “Lord all these belong to you and are in your control. I belong to you. Work in me, with me or through me as you will.” The Light of His Glory overtook me as I stepped out of the tunnel. I basked in the warmth of His love. He is faithful. He is love. He is true. After pausing for a time to soak it all in, I continued on down the road in His light and singing:

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace. Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!