Testimony of Candy Speakman

In the summer of 1997 I quit a job that I had enjoyed. I quit because I felt like God was calling me to something more.

I didn't know what that "something more" was, but I imagined that I would step out into a satisfying ministry of some kind. Instead, I walked right into an identity crisis. My children had grown up, so I wasn't needed as a Mom any more, and now I could no longer find my self worth in my job performance.

In the midst of this transition, my struggle with sin intensified. I had become a Christian in my early thirties, and I had wanted nothing more than to please God with my life, but at that time I was struggling first with drinking and second with compulsive overeating. After 7 long years, God graciously delivered me from my addiction to alcohol.

Although I was grateful to be free from that master, it wasn't long before my compulsive eating took over, and I was back in the cycle of failing, confessing, and trying harder. If Christians were suppose to live victoriously, I was missing out. I felt like I was a great disappointment to God, and I felt like a total spiritual failure.

I didn't know where to turn. I had always been diligent in Bible study and by this time I had become desperate in prayer. I begged God day after day to deliver me, but there was no answer.

I had always been a lone ranger Christian, so I joined a small group. We decided to practice the spiritual disciplines. But the more I practiced, the worse I felt. I felt condemned and miserable.

In my despair, I sought out a woman in our church for help. As we began to talk, she caught me contradicting myself. I knew that the Bible said God was a loving God and that He loved me. I told her, "Of course, that's what I believe." But my friend recognized that this faith I had in my head was not the operating system out of which I was living. At the same time, she kept affirming that she saw my heart toward God, even in the mess I was in.

One day I related to her how frustrated I felt over my inability to do a simple imagination exercise. She asked me why I didn't pray about it. I realized she was not just asking if I had forgotten to pray. She was asking me, "Who was the Father I was really relating to?" Then she gave me a word picture of the Father. She said the Father is like a great big Sumo wrestler. When we come to Him with our needs, He looks big and scary, but we discover that He tenderly lifts us up onto His chest and says, "Listen to my heart of love for you."

The contrast between this picture of the Father and mine was striking. Mine was also a Sumo wrestler, but one who I imagined was out to get me. The Father I did not dare to go to in prayer was a god who was mean. He was a god who was never pleased with me and for whom my best was never good enough. Mind you, these were never CONSCIOUS thoughts that I had. Rather, they were what made up my subconscious operating system- my image of God. In my MIND I knew God to be a loving God, but the person I was RELATING to deep down inside was a demanding taskmaster. My friend told me I was worshipping a false god- a false image of the true God.

All along, I had been desperately seeking a God of grace, but I had been going about it in all the wrong ways, caught in a system of works, trying to serve two masters- the true God and the god of my own making. As God revealed my sin, I knew that He had not exposed my sin to condemn me. He graciously allowed me to see that He was the one who was pursuing me, despite my propensity to serve other masters. I knew from this encounter with the Living God that He is a God who loves me no matter what- He loves me when I'm good; He loves me when I fail; He loves me when I'm confused; He even loves me when I don't love Him. I discovered there is nothing in all creation that can separate me from His love, because God's love does NOT depend on ME.

It took four long hard years, but I found the "something more" that God had promised. I found a new identity. I discovered my self worth does not come from doing Mom things or work things or DOING any thing, especially not from doing anything to try to make myself pleasing to God. I discovered I already AM pleasing to God. Because I am in Christ, I AM God's Beloved.

I am so thankful to God that He is a jealous God and that He will never give up until we really know Him and His unfailing love for each one of us.

Candy Speakman
kandys@attbi.com